Yearly Archives: 2002

I Feel So Delinquent

Grr-ness. I feel so… delinquent. In the chaos of almost-time-for-Christmas-break, I forgot to get a copy of Dr. J’s take-home test. Megan and Stephanie brought a copy by for me this afternoon, though. I mean, it was my fault that I forgot it. I was all freaked out on the bus, cause there’s a lot of problems, and I don’t have a lot of time in which to do them. I owe them.

And I never finished the Chapter 10 homework, so I have to do that. Not to mention my two unfinished beta/omega projects. And my magazine rack is getting full. And I neglected piano for the better part of last week, so I have to catch up before my lesson on Friday. And… there’s probably something else I should do that I’m forgetting, so I really hope it’s not important.

Mark and I still have problems. I don’t know where my initial… affection… for him came from, so I can’t really figure out where it went. But I can tell that it’s not going to work. As of two minutes ago, we are no longer together. This is such a weird feeling. I’ve never had anything resembling an actual relationship before, much less ended one. I think we both knew it was inevitable, though. We don’t click. Despite our mutual Virgo-ness, we don’t seem to relate much.

It’s still depressing, though. I wanted it to work. But that would be beating a dead horse, so…

Oh, yeah. Legolas v. Aragorn: Legolas’ hair is too nice. Aragorn has the rugged manliness thing. No contest. Arwen, look out. ;)

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Christmas!!! Yay-ness!!! I got clothes, CDs, these awesome fuzzy blue slippers that I’m still learning to walk in, a cell phone, and some other stuff. I feel special now. I don’t have to keep borrowing my mom’s (which sucks because it locks if you turn it off, and I don’t know the code). The Rugrats were up at 5 AM, but my mom made them go back to sleep until the sun came up. So, it’s 7-ish, and Courtney comes running downstairs and to my door and says, “Lindsay! Presents!” I rolled over and mumbled, “Hmmmm, coming.” I am not a morning person. My parents had been up until midnight setting up the Rugrats’ PS2, so they were just as lethargic as I was.

We made the traditional trip to my grandparents’ house yesterday evening. (Christmas is the only day when my mom doesn’t complain if we’re in our pajamas until noon. As long as we throw away all the wrapping paper, she’s good.) They gave me more clothes and another CD (Kelly Rowland — haven’t listened yet, should be pretty good). The food was awesome, as always. My grandma can cook. Met some interesting people that are somehow related to me. Nothing unusual.

Oh, right. Greg, Mark, Andrew (from It’s Academic), and his brother Nick and I went to the movies on Tuesday. It was… interesting. We met at Greg’s house first, then Mark drove us all to Waldorf. We were going to see LotR: The Two Towers, and since I never saw the first one, Greg summarized it for me and loaned me his DVDs. (I know my dad will want to watch…) We went to the arcadein the mall first, where they coerced me into playing DDR (which I now officially suck at). The movie was actually really good. Long, but good. I started reading The Hobbit a few years ago, but stopped cause I got bored, and never made it to the trilogy. I may have to give them another go now. Oh, and in my opinion, Aragorn and Legolas are tied for Maximum LotR Hotness. Legolas has great hair, possibly better than mine, and this aura of coolness. But Aragorn’s got that whole rugged-manliness thing going for him, and he’s human. So many unattainable imaginary men, so little time… ;)

But as Greg was quick to point out, nothing happened. Three hours of pitch-blackness, and Mark did not touch me. I’m not sure if I wanted him to, though. Relationships are complicated. (I’ve said that before, haven’t I? Still true.) It doesn’t help that I’m pretty much clueless about all things guy-related. Take my relationship with Greg. We are the definition of platonic. I don’t know why I’m so easy around him — I just sort of am. I think this makes Mark jealous. But the thing is, there’s nothing to be jealous of. I’m not going to, like, leave him and run away with Greg. We only messed with his head that one time, and I would never do something like that as a joke. Never.

I don’t want my relationship with Mark to ruin Mark and Greg’s friendship. I don’t want it to ruin my friendship with Greg. It’s like I said last night: We are now a soap opera. We’re a triangle. In a way, I’m closer to Greg than I am to Mark, and that throws the triangle out of sync. The whole thing scares me. I almost wish my life was a soap opera. At least that way, the turmoil would end eventually.

I know that somewhere, there’s the perfect guy for me, the one God wants me to be with for the rest of my life. I just have to find him. The thing is, how do I know when I’ve found him until I find some guys that aren’t him? How do I tell if I’m chasing after something futile? How long do I have to let my heart twist and turn like this?

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Happy Christmas Eve Eve!!!

Whew. My MOCD (moderate obsessive-compulsive disorder, which has in no way been diagnosed by a medical professional) forces me into a strict pattern when I get online. First, the Hunger Site ring (it’s my IE start page). Then, I check my guestbook for new entries. Then, I check my email (so I can reply to stuff from the g-book). At some point during my “rounds”, Greg, Mark, Niki, Megan, and/or Stephanie will be online sending a barrage of IMs. Not that I mind — I *heart* instant messaging. It’s like the phone, only way cooler. =) Once I finally get through my email, I blog-hop, then check The Leaky Cauldron for HP news. Then, I come here to rant… er, I mean, entertain you lovely readers. xD

I’m confused. In case you couldn’t tell, I don’t have much of a social life. So, when Megan and Stephanie invited me to their mostyl-family Christmas part yesterday, I went. Little did I know that my mom would choose yesterday to go shopping I really wanted to go to Borders. But we might go tonight, so all is good. Then, I found out today that Mark and Greg were waiting for me online last night. I feel special now. =) (Keep the special-ed jokes to yourself, Greg.) Don’t assume something horrible happened to me just because I’m not online all day. I do things that don’t involve you sometimes. My world does not revolve around you.

Anyway, the party was much fun. Megan and Steph’s cousins aren’t as bad as they make them sound. (Don’t get me wrong — they’re not perfect, but they’re not terrible, either. My cousins are all little.) I was the first one there, cause all I had to do was go up the street. I played air hockey against M & S while we were waiting for other people. I was up 2-0 against their brother when Sharis showed up, and then Shadonna came, and then Jonathan (M & S’s little brother) “lost” the puck, so I just sort of quit playing. (And, my back was sore this morning. I am hopelessly out of shape.) The five of us played Spades (Stephanie helped me out) until dinner, then we sat around and talked. M & S’s grandma was knitting in the corner the whole time. We were her entertainment. We got bored talking, though, so we played CatchPhrase. That is an *awesome* game. I rock at party games. =) Except maybe Charades. (Shut up, Greg.) We played about 8 rounds of CatchPhrase, then opened presents. Megan gave me this pretty metal bookmark and some earrings; Stephanie made me a bookmark, and gave me some really cute Harry Potter playing cards. Both of them were so thoughtful.

I haven’t opened Mark’s present yet. He tried to pull that same stunt that Greg did. The whole don’t-open-it-when-people-are-around, your-parents-might-be-mad-at-me thing. I can only freak out so many times. I can laugh endlessly, though. =)

Did pretty much nothing today. Helped Niki burn a CD for her boyfriend. Had to leave before she finished, though. Hope it turned out okay. Went to Borders, found gift for Mark. Finally! I was this close to yelling “Eureka!” out loud, with all those people in there. I hope he likes it. Will shop for Greg later. [Greg: Would you mind if I waited until your birthday? I could probably find a better present by then, anyway.] Went to IHOP. Finally have solid proof that my mom thinks I’m weird. Do not feel better. =)

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I apologize for the uber-depressing tone of that last entry. I was in a depressed sort of mood, and I finished my base plate for Mr. Lifsey’s class. He has computers, they can connect to the Net, and the result of my boredom is what you see above.

Classes were undeniably screwed up today. First period, I talked to people and sang along to *NSync with Jorge. (He’s so good, it’s almost scary.) Opted to hang in Dr. J’s room during second period instead of the cafeteria. Was bored. Went to third period, saw Mark, was considerably less bored, but still depressed. Went to fourth and fifth; bored. Sixth wasn’t so bad, cause we watched Spider-Man. (The beginning of it, anyway.) Went to seventh, finished my test, and… was bored.

Eighth period, however, was a different story entirely.

I went back to Dr. J’s room, prepared to be bored some more. Lo and behold, Greg shows up, looking and sounding extremely tired. He says Mark (!) is next door playing Dance Dance Revolution, a video game commonly known as DDR. I give him a wary look, he goes away. A few minutes later, Greg comes back, this time with Mark, and both of them scare the crap out of me. I go with them, if only because I was *really* tired of being bored.

Ian is playing DDR with some Asian guy. I sit behind them, sidestepping Ian’s shoes (which were haphazardly tossed on the floor). I watch for a while, gradually figuring out how the game works. I watch Greg play; he turns out to be really good. I watch Mark; I begin to realize why he “doesn’t dance”. ;) Mark and Greg try to convince me to play. I say no. Greg threatens to hug me (he is all sweaty at this point). I cringe, but still refuse.

Not long after I sit down, I hear the guys behind me calling. Decent person that I am, I turn around. This is a mistake. Not only do said guys get my name wrong (Leslie?), but they want me to play (so they can watch, the pervs), refuse to leave me alone, and say I’m wearing “marijuana earrings”. They’re snowflakes, idiots! Just when I think I’ve heard the stupidest thing ever, someone proves me wrong.

So, it’s almost time for the bell. Mark and Greg [I could really use an abbreviation for them, you know.] are determined to get me try DDR. They finally resort to tilting my desk so I have no choice but to stand up. I sigh, and reluctantly agree to play, warning the onlookers not to laugh because “I don’t really know what I’m doing”.

It was fun. I only played once, but I’d be willing to do it again sometime. Boys, you know where to find me. =)

Came home, *almost* managed to avoid talking to my mom about Mark. Again. No such luck. I hate being the guinea pig child. My piano teacher loved her gift, though. It was this big, glittery treble clef. She taped it to the lamp. She may be a bit eccentric, but that’s not always a bad thing.

Must go now. Late. Going on another hair-washing adventure in the morning. Ciao.

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It is *not* a wonderful life. At least, not for me. Yente struck again, and Mark and I are now official. But so little has changed. I have permission from my parents now to go out with him, but the actual date may not happen for a bit. He asked me out the first time *so* long ago, and all I’ve done since then is find another (plausible) excuse not to go. Why? Is this a sign? If I’m afraid, what am I afraid of? Not being with him? Not being right for him? Making the wrong choices?

I still have the same problem I always have, though: I can’t talk to people. You may be wondering, “What is she saying? Of course she talks; she spills her inner thoughts on the Internet for all to see.” But this is not the same. Here, I don’t have to watch your expression as you read. I don’t have to hear you laugh at me. I can vent without fear of rejection, humiliation, or not knowing what to say. I can be myself.

The holiday season in itself is stressful and depressing. My new “significant other” is adding to the stress, but it’s not his fault. It’s me. It’s always me. I just clam up, and I can’t say what I want to. I want so much to spill everything. I want to be completely honest with everyone, about everything, and to feel like I can trust people.

I was wrong. I know what I want. I just don’t know how to make it happen.

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I think everyone knows now about Mark and me. I didn’t think we were being especially obvious; maybe he’s been saying things. Relationships are complicated. I’m complicated. That leads to one big complicated mess, and it’s not much fun.

This morning, I swear I wanted to hurt someone. Two someones, actually: Paul and Greg. See, I was talking to Greg this morning. Our usual banter, complete with petty insults. So, on my way out the door, I called him “not a person.” Not the best pseudo-insult to choose, as Greg followed me.

He yelled something to the likes of ,”You left me!” or “Why did you break up with me?” It was almost time for class, so I think the half of the school that didn’t already think I’m crazy was there to watch me freak out. There is not now, nor has there ever been, anything but platonic-ism between Greg and me. I proceeded to yell something like, “What? I did *not* break up with you!”

Thinking that I could just tell him off and leave it at that, I stormed down the hall, dodging curious onlookers. I had only taken a few steps, though, before I turned and nearly slammed into Paul. I screamed (cause I’m jumpy like that), and he asked, “You broke up with Greg?”

So began a tirade that lasted for a good twenty minutes. I ran out of clever things to say, beyond, “No, I did *not* break up with him!” and “There was nothing to break!” and “We were never together!” And at some point, “Greg” became “Craig”, who I *definitely* did not break up with. That, lovely readers, is how false rumors get started, and they spread like wildfire. ::sighs::

I think Mark and I are making progress. And, seeing as both he and Greg read this, I will not elaborate. Night, all.

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I apologize on Greg’s behalf. The entries he writes are mostly incoherent, filled with errors that make them difficult to read, and generally pointless. The only thing that keeps me from deleting them is that they’re interesting (in a “gee, there are people weirder than I am” sort of way), and I’m a sucker for compliments. Read the guestbook at your own risk.

I’m bored. So I went to Googlism, and typed in my name. Most of the results were good, some were bad, and some were just plain weird. I think there’s a town somewhere called Lindsay, and apparently there are people whose last names are Lindsay. It’s fun; try it sometime.

Okay, so I’m not bored. I’m really avoiding my physics homework, which is not good, but I really cannot stand physics. It annoys me to no end. I’ll have to do it eventually, but the Net is too tempting. I think I’ll go (finally) finish DV. Then *maybe* I’ll get back to physics. Bleh.

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