Monthly Archives: September, 2003

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I think I’m getting sick. I felt a cold coming on last night, so I tried to avoid panicking. I went to bed before midnight (which is good for a sort-of weekend) wearing long-sleeved pajamas. (The pink Hello Kitty ones I got for my birthday. They’re pretty cute for something so… childish. A good kind of childish.)

I still feel sick today. Sitting around for an hour in my bathrobe while I did my hair can’t have helped, but I’m trying to stay warm. I hate doing white laundry, and I’m not going anywhere today, so no socks. It’s fuzzy blue slippers for me. And my old Old Navy sweatshirt. I missed this thing.

Greg is nowhere to be found, despite having posted a one-liner (shame!) in his LJ an hour ago. Also, our power is flickering on and off, and I still have to construct my RP paper. Which will be hellish, because my project isn’t “experimental” enough for Ms. Comerford, so I have to keep revising the stupid thing. It’s not fair. I will not let her give me a B in RP. I will say it right now: I hate people who bs things and still get decent grades. That’s my version of decent, not the “average” C. I work so hard and still manage to fail sometimes. They put in almost zero work, and ease on by. Life is just screwed up like that.

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School has been canceled for tomorrow and Friday, due to the impending arrival of Hurricane Isabel. I know Megan must be ecstatic. She’s only been wishing since Monday that we’d get Friday off, and now we get tomorrow as well. I need to squeeze in my Adkins outline (eek!) and my RP paper (double eek!) before the power inevitably goes out. My neighborhood loses power when it’s windy. One time it was sunny — but it turned out a transformer blew. It’s always boring, and my family migrates downstairs because it’s cooler, thereby invading “my” space. I hate that.

Ms. O’Neal finally came back today. She said she had a reaction to antibiotics that put her in the hospital, and she came back even though she’s not quite better yet. I hope she takes these next few days to rest. RP was almost empty. They gave a diagnostic PSAT this morning, and all Pacesetter students had to take it. (Pacesetter is the one-period version of AP Lit for AP-caliber students that couldn’t fit double-period AP in their schedules.) Geology was its usual near-boringness.

Adkins test numero dos today. No essay this time, chapters seven and eight, including the Ben Franklin video. I spent about an hour and a half studying last night, talking out loud as I read through discussion points. I got two US History questions right on Jeopardy last night, though I might have known them sans Adkins. Anyway, I think that’s the most I’ve studied for a test, ever. I feel pretty good about the test. My grade, if I calculated correctly, is 87, but I’ll know for sure… next week. I want so much to make the Promised Land (meaning that I got an A), but I know that’ll take work. Maybe more work than I’m willing to put in.

Speaking of educational stress, many thanks to Rajni (I thought it was you, but I wasn’t sure), Andra (we seem to click more and more as time passes), and Greg for their encouraging messages. I know you all care about me, and that love means so much to me. Thank you all. I’m not through stressing, and I won’t be until… May (when the admissions acceptance replies go in), but thank you for everything so far.

I don’t want to sympathize with Ms. Sim. I understand that it’s taxing on her to cover two classes at once, but giving us the same assignments makes it easier, right? As for the worksheets, I think they’re 90% inane and 10% insightful. Some of the questions are thought-provoking, and some could be changed around to be more thought-provoking, but the rest are… silly. I would almost prefer ten or twenty in-depth questions to a hundred nonsense ones. I understand why we’re “still on summer reading.” It’s not just summer reading. Does anyone remember that Mrs. Anderson spent time covering A Gathering of Old Men last year? She wanted us to analyze the style, which was the bulk of what we did in that class. Ms. Sim is spending time covering P&P and LotF because they’re “AP caliber” works. If we know the books well enough, it can help us with the third essay on the exam. At least they’re not dry.

Andrew is out sick, reminiscent of last year, so he may not show up on Saturday. That means Ian will play as our third member. Greg has seniority over me, I suppose, so he might be captain if Andrew doesn’t show. I have faith in us, though. As long as we don’t freeze and we think, we should be fine. We might even win, in which case we’ll play again in late February or March. Today’s practice wasn’t exceptional, but it’s just practice. The tv questions will be different, and we’ll have actual competition. It’s a whole other game.

Some kind of bug bit the back of my hand this morning, and left a nickel-sized itchy patch. And Greg and I were accused of being “too lovey” today, mostly because he was feeding me Goldfish crackers. That is all.

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::yawns:: [Later: This entry gets introspective at the end. I appreciate all your comments and love, but please don’t feel compelled to respond. Sometimes I just write to get it all out.]

Yesterday, we had a quiz in RP. Ms. Comerford had only really hinted at it, but I knew the stuff anyway, so it was painless. I even remembered how to calculate relative frequency. I find that my memory is getting a little better lately. I’m remembering stuff from Lord of the Flies, things from Adkins’s lectures, random things….

Speaking of, we had a question in It’s Ac yesterday that I answered solely based on my Adkins knowledge, about the Strait of Gibraltar. (It’s at the very tip of Spain, near Morocco, but it belongs to England and has for a few hundred years. Apparently it was a concession within the Treaty of Paris after the Revolutionary War.) See? I must say, if a better memory is the result of hours upon hours of AP US History work, so be it. I just hope it lasts.

I drove home yesterday. No major incidents. Not that I would tell anyone if there were, because I’m too insecure like that. I squeezed in homework around dinner, 7th Heaven, and Everwood. I know, bad girl, putting tv before schoolwork. But they were to season premieres, and I am still addicted to tv, and I still got all my work done and was in bed just before midnight, so there. The episodes were good, too. Usually you get the best episodes at the beginning and end of the seasons. (When did “Hush” air on Buffy, I wonder?)

I got to bed late, mostly because I was talking to Greg and it’s always hard to end our conversations (I want to hang up, but then I don’t want to), so I was up for a while longer.

This morning, I was tired. Really tired. I could have used a nap today, but I took advantage of extra time (no It’s Ac) to do homework and study for my second Adkins test tomorrow. School was fine. Mr. Witko is back to being relentless about doing things his way, RP was semi-productive, and I killed another LotF worksheet during lunchtime. As long as I have it done before class, it shouldn’t matter when I do it.

I took a quick break from studying this evening to calculate my Adkins grade; I came up with 87. Not bad. Not what I want, but still good, and the quarter’s not over yet. The bad thing is, if I don’t get that coveted shiny Adkins A, I’ll get two B’s. (In the AP scheme of things, one B and one B and a half.) It may sound ridiculously stuck-up and nerdy to say it, but I don’t want that. I’ve only ever had two B’s, in geometry freshman year. They didn’t make me cry, but they hurt.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m not working hard enough. Or that I’m working as hard as I can, as hard as I’ll let myself, and it’s not good enough. I remember someone blogging that she would never really try her best, because if she did and still failed, it would mean her best wasn’t good enough. I fear now that I’ve done that. Researching colleges has made me feel like I’m not good enough, that I won’t make it. I know I’ll have to fend for myself, and I’m prepared to deal with that (I think). I remember hearing horror stories, though, of people who had it all: sports, test scores, grades, talent, strong essays; but couldn’t even get accepted. That scares me so much. Even when I feel like I won’t apply to a college at all, I read through the application they send. I peruse the questions, wondering how I’d answer them (or how I will answer them). That exacerbates the anxiety. That kind of rejection would tear me apart. I just wouldn’t be able to take it.

I have to give it a chance, though. To continue to work hard, but not too hard. To quit lying around the house, to get out and do something. I want to make something of my life. I want to have ambition. I want colleges to see that, to welcome me, and to nurture me. I want it all so badly, but I don’t know if I really deserve it.

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The photo shoot went okay yesterday. I was ready early, which was a good thing because we had to come back briefly and there were three or four accidents. One was on the other side of the highway. I hate rubberneckers. The directions were pretty accurate (yay for MapQuest), so we went for a bite before my appointment. We were in an out-there part of Baltimore, so we stopped at the first place we saw; turns out there was a McDonalds farther down. (I didn’t know Dunkin Donuts had sandwiches.)

There were a few hang-ups, and I had to wear a tube top again, but otherwise the picture-taking process was fine. It feels so awkward posing for the camera, but the pictures looked good (except that my glasses were sliding down my nose… but Mom pushed them up into my eyes, so that should be taken care of.) We were there for at least an hour, but my Mom thinks they’ll turn out better this time. I hope so. It’s so depressing when you dislike every picture of yourself. (No, that is not a dig for compliments. I don’t photograph well, that’s just the way it is.)

We got back home around five. I changed clothes, called Greg, and made a sandwich while I waited for him to pick me up. We went to see The Fighting Temptations at Hoffman. That was a wonderful movie. I laughed so much. Only one part brought tears to my eyes, though, toward the beginning. One of the women from the choir looked exactly like my grandma. The resemblance was incredible. I suppose I cried because I miss her so much, and because I was so surprised to see “her”. I whispered that to Greg, and he gave me a hug. He’s such a sweetie.

I spent today at home. Mom took the rugrats to the mall, which made me feel so put out. I did my discussion points and math and practiced piano a little. I didn’t get a chance to practice all week, so my lesson was short tonight. I forgot to return my library books, so now I owe them about a dollar. It’s just confusing when I renew books. And now I’m wandering around online, talking to Greg on the phone, and waiting until bedtime.

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Friday Five: The Name Game.

1. Is the name you have now the same name that’s on your birth certificate? If not, what’s changed?
It’s the same.

2. If you could change your name (first, middle and/or last), what would it be?
I wouldn’t. I like my name exactly the way it is. I find that once you know someone’s name, it wouldn’t seem right for them to have any other name. This obviously doesn’t apply to stage names, but I still think it’s true.

3. Why were you named what you were? (Is there a story behind it? Who specifically was responsible for naming you?)
My mom named me after the actress that played the Bionic Woman on tv, Lindsay Wagner.

4. Are there any names you really hate or love? What are they and why?
I dislike names that are very old-sounding or out-of-date: Hortense, Herbert, Agnes, Bertha, Amelia, Gertrude. I like names that sound “pretty” and flowing: Alyssa, Christine, Melinda, Charlotte. (I have trouble with male names, as you can see.)

5. Is the analysis of your name at kabalarians.com / triggur.org / astroexpert.com accurate? How or how isn’t it?
Kabalarians: Your first name of Lindsay has made you a friendly, approachable, and generous person. Generally you are good-natured, though at times you can be blunt and sarcastic. As you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people. This name inclines you to be sympathetic and generous to those in difficult or unfortunate circumstances. You can be firm, positive, and independent in your own ideas and in reaching your own decisions, yet when it comes to taking action or following things through to completion, you often need encouragement. You respond quickly to kind words or any appreciation shown you. There are artistic, creative abilities in this name that you could express through music or singing, or, in a practical way, through sewing or interior decorating. You enjoy freedom from monotony and are stimulated by unexpected opportunities for meeting people, entertaining, or pursuing activities of a carefree nature. In your work, you find it difficult to be neat and orderly. You rarely plan things ahead of time, or follow a routine. Emotion and feeling, the desire to be carefree, friendly, and happy, are the driving forces in your being, rather than shrewdness, ambition, and material success.

I like planning and routines, and I’m orderly. Otherwise, this is pretty accurate.

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Ugh. I hate it when I miss a day of blogging. I have to try to recap what happened on those days, which means I miss a lot of details I’d have recorded otherwise. I just really needed to sleep, and I had things to do. Blogging, though it’s so important to me, is secondary.

Waiting so long to blog also makes me forget things. Hmm. I do know that when I drove on Tuesday (I think), there was a spider crawling along the inside of the windshield. I’m not a fabulous driver anyway, so I was trying hard to concentrate, not panic, and tell my dad to get it for me when it crawled back to his side. Crisis averted.

It’s Ac on Wednesday was fine. I didn’t play really well, but some days just don’t work for me. Dad brought my car, so I got to drive home for the first time in ages. I got a little closer to the parked cars than he liked, but it went okay.

Yesterday, It’s Ac was better (Vicki answered a 20-point question). Dad brought his car to pick me up, meaning I had to go back out again later. I also had math homework (left by Mrs. O’Neal, given to us by her sub) and a Lord of the Flies worksheet (which I couldn’t do because I don’t have the book — to the library!). I gave up on the worksheet and spent most of the evening having my hair done. By a fantastic stroke of luck, Adkins was out today, so I didn’t have discussion points to cram in.

Back to the present. We’ve been getting to school right on time lately. I had extra time Wednesday morning (after the NHS meeting), but otherwise, I just get there as soon as I can. Mrs. O’Neal was out again today, possibly with her family again. Mr. Witko is still annoying me. The man is anal about having everything done exactly the right way — “right” meaning “his”. It shouldn’t matter whether I number my vocabulary words or just use bullets, as long as they’re all there and neat. Adkins was out, as promised. I’m slowly becoming acquainted with the juniors nearest to me, but this one girl (I think her name’s Agnes) seems interesting, just far away.

It rained today, we went to the new (much closer) IHOP for dinner, and I am going to Baltimore to retake senior pictures tomorrow. Otherwise, I am very tired, and having a deep discussion, and have nothing else to say.

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What a coincidence, that both Rajni and Jane should step away from the Internet at the same time. Jane’s absence is pretty much permanent, since I’m not a friend of hers, so I probably won’t stick around to see what she does next. It was great reading, though. I will miss Rajni. She was the last stop on my blog-hopping list, because I look forward to her entries so much, and because ‘r’ is close to the end of the alphabet. (You’d think I’d randomize that list, what with my disdain at being a ‘w’, but no.) Since she switched out of Ms. Sim’s seventh period, our acquaintance has gone back to the random meeting stage. I pass her in the hall every day, though ironically, it’s on my way to English. I did manage to become her friend (and she mine) without seeing her often last year, though.

I think I’m getting used to being tired. Yawning discreetly takes practice. It helps to be as far out of the teacher’s line of sight as possible. My workload is straining my energy reserves, but I haven’t given up yet. I won’t. It’s too soon. We’ll see how I hold up after progress reports.

A delegation of teachers from South Africa is visiting my school. I never imagined that anything so interesting would happen here. Interesting is, say, a day without any fights or near-fights. Well, maybe that’s not so much interesting as odd. Anyway, the man said he’s a math teacher in the North Province (wherever that is), and he’s just going to sit in on our class to see how we teach math in the US. I heard from Jarred that he was taking down Ms. O’Neal’s notes. I wonder if he teaches in English? He’ll be here for six weeks, so it’ll be interesting to see how things go.

Unless I royally screwed up on my essay, I got a B on my Adkins test. I got 31 of 37 multiple-choice questions right, which is 93 points out of 111. I feel especially confident about my essay, unless he holds the length against me. Which he shouldn’t, right? If it takes me a lot of space to say, but I have all the right stuff in there, who cares? A little extra eye strain never killed anyone.

Greg let me use his locker to dump my books. I’m still grateful. My neck is grateful (because, for some reason, carrying around so much stuff hurts my neck instead of my back). I have to be at school early tomorrow for an NHS meeting, so I should have time to swing by there before first period.

I think I’m becoming a better driver. I’m still learning the finer points of my Jetta, but I feel so much more comfortable than I ever did in the Camry or the van. Dad even told me I did well tonight. There’s hope for me yet.

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