I’ve said it before, but it needs repeating right now. When I was younger, I wanted so much to be older. Now that I’m older, I wish I could go back to being young for a while.
Most people only realize that’s true when they’re old and gray, but my life is so hectic and stressful lately that it’s hit me sooner. Right now, I should be working on my AP US History outline. It’s due Friday, but I haven’t done any research yet. I could use full credit, though, since my grade is already in that yucky barely-A area.
What have I been doing lately? Surviving. Ms. Sim was out for a while convalescing from knee surgery, so we had a string of subs and about seven worksheets for The Catcher in the Rye. I’d read it before, but I re-read it anyway. I’m non-confrontational. I believe in choosing my battles, and reading that book wasn’t a big enough battle. We had a bomb threat last Tuesday, on the anniversary of the Columbine High School shootings. We had to evacuate in the middle of seventh period, and were forced into the hot sun while we sat around the football field and waited for school to end. I think the heat wave was at its worst that afternoon.
It’s back to being gloomy and rainy now. Typical April weather. The promised May flowers are arriving though. (No sign of Pilgrims.) RP is winding down. We had to make posters for “symposium” this week. Most of the people had theirs returned to redo because they were “substandard”. The example of an “acceptable” poster was mine. Can I help it if I’m a perfectionist? I think spending all afternoon and most of the night Sunday working on that poster should count for something. My work is always like that. They didn’t ask me before they used mine as an example; I may not have let them. And some of those posters were just crap. I have shaky hands, too. I know how to use a ruler and concentrate.
AP tests are next week. Whoa. That came up fast. I got my practice History test back today. My composite score was one point too low for a 4. My essays killed me. I just don’t understand what he’s looking for in them. I have outside information and the documents in my DBQ’s, and they’re organized. My other essays were fine. (Except that last one. It sucked.) I’ve never gotten a perfect essay score, and he never really explains what would be “perfect”, so how am I supposed to work toward that. I should ask if he has sample essays like the English teachers do. What does a 9 look like? At this point, I’d go for a 6. I thought I did well.
That seems to be the problem lately. I overestimate myself. School is my life. If someone brought my name up in conversation to someone who didn’t know me, they’d probably say, “Oh, Lindsay. Yeah, she’s smart.” So, I started to finally believe that I was as smart as people seem to think I am. But if I am, why couldn’t I get a 4 on last year’s AP Language test? Why is the Promised Land almost always out of reach? Why did I get passed over for Banneker/ Key?
Oh. Yeah. I didn’t get the Banneker/Key Scholarship for UMD. That was the final blow. It forced me to make a decision about where to go next year. If I’d gotten it, the decision would have been made for me, and I’d have been deliriously happy. As it turns out, I wasn’t good enough. That hurts more than anything. Recovering from that, I had to weigh my options and finally just decided on Maryland. I confirmed Saturday.
To anyone except me, all of this probably sounds like The OC (which I don’t watch). On VH1’s Best Week Ever, one of the panelists commented, “Finally! A show about how truly hard it is to be young, rich, and white.” Anyone could feel that way about my ranting. “Oh, so being smart isn’t good enough for you?” Your having different and allegedly bigger problems doesn’t make my problems any less significant or difficult.
I think Jessica Darling of Sloppy Firsts put it best: “Put into perspective, I have no problems. But then again, put into perspective, no one does.”